Hamlet sat on his bed and cried. His father had died only three months ago, and it felt like the world had moved on. His mom had already remarried (to his uncle!) and he couldn’t stand to live in the castle anymore. His sobbing was interrupted by a knock at the door. In walked his friends, Horatio and Marcellus, who frantically told him about their encounter with a mysterious life coach. The coach had solved all of their problems! Hamlet was intrigued, “Can you take me to him?”
…
As Macbeth and Banquo trudged home from their victorious battle, their spirits began to dampen. Despite their tremendous success, they were unsatisfied. Macbeth hung his head and watched his feet stumble along the path. Suddenly, a flyer smacked him in the face. The flyer read “Life Coaching With M: Solve All of Your Problems.” Macbeth grinned and looked up at Banquo, “I think we need to take a quick detour.”
…
Hamlet knocked on the door of a sketchy apartment building. He opened the door and greeted the receptionist, who said her name was Elizabeth. “WELCOME TO LIFE COACHING WITH M. I AM THE ANCIENT MARINER. I HAVE TRAVELED THE WORLD TO HELP OTHERS AVOID MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES AS I!” a booming voice yelled. Hamlet joined the elderly man, eager to hear his advice. “Before we begin, I must tell you my story. I was the captain of a ship, sailing across the sea…” Three hours later, the Mariner concluded his story. “Enough about me, how can I help you today?”
…
Macbeth and Banquo greeted the life coach. “WELCOME TO LIFE COACHING WITH M. I AM THE ANCIENT MARINER. I HAVE TRAVELED THE WORLD TO-”
“Great, nice to meet you, let’s get started” interrupted Macbeth.
“Before we begin, I must tell you my story. I was-”
“If we could get this moving please…” said Macbeth.
Exasperated, the Mariner agreed to hear their troubles.
“We’re worried about our futures.”
“Macbeth, you will be very successful” replied the Mariner. “In fact, I see a promotion in your future. Soon you will be king. Banquo, your son will be king.”
“Awesome! What do I need to do?” Macbeth said.
“It’s not for me to say. You must follow your instincts” replied the Mariner.
As Macbeth and Banquo exited, Macbeth whispered, “I’m pretty sure he just told me to kill the king.”
…
“Well,” Hamlet gulped, “My dad died, my mom married my uncle and he became king, I’m pretty sure my uncle killed my dad, and I’m just not sure what to do…” The Mariner blinked at him. “You need to kill your uncle. He obviously murdered your father. You must take your revenge!” Hamlet frowned. “That’s an intense request, couldn’t I just move away from him?” “NO!” M bellowed. “You need to avenge your father! Come back when your uncle is dead.”
…
Macbeth ran inside with excitement. “Honey I’m home! Guess what happened?!” Lady Macbeth smiled as he recounted the Mariner’s advice. “And on the walk home I got a call that I was promoted to Thane of Cawdor! So now I have to kill the king!”
“He did NOT tell you to kill the king,” interjected Banquo. “He said follow your instincts. You’re just supposed to work hard and be true to yourself and stuff like that ” Banquo sighed. “I’m going home. You guys have fun.” Lady Macbeth grinned at Macbeth.
“I believe you honey. If the Ancient Mariner told you to kill the King it must be right.”
…
Hamlet pondered the Mariner’s advice. What could it mean? Surely it was some sort of metaphor. Maybe, if he cut contact with his uncle/stepfather it would be like “killing” their relationship. Or maybe he should pretend to be insane? He couldn’t figure out what to do with this mysterious and nonspecific advice.
…
Three weeks later Macbeth was back for his follow-up appointment. “You are the best M! I’m king! And I’m super powerful too, no one challenges me!”
“That’s great to hear. How did you accomplish this?” the Mariner asked.
“I followed what you said and killed the king. And Banquo, you remember Banquo, he was being a bad friend and made me kind of nervous with the whole ‘son being king thing’, so I killed him and his son. And then this guy Macduff was plotting against me so I killed his entire family. Great advice from you, it’s going really well.”
The Mariner choked on his drink. “You killed all of those people?!?!”
“Well yeah, you told me to.”
“No I didn’t! I said follow your instincts, not kill everyone who looks at you!!” Macbeth looked at the Mariner, puzzled.
“But my wife agreed with me.”
“STOP LISTENING TO YOUR WIFE!” the Mariner yelled.
Macbeth smiled. “Oh I see. You think I should kill my wife.”
“NO! I NEVER SAID-” Suddenly, Hamlet burst into the room.
“Hey M! Sorry to interrupt, but your receptionist seems to have been murdered.” The Mariner glared at Macbeth.
“She was being annoying!”
Hamlet spoke up again, “I could use some advice.”
“You killed your Uncle?”
“…”
“Why not?!”
“I was really busy.”
“What HAVE you done?”
“I accidentally killed my girlfriend’s father! So I technically killed someone! Is that good?” The Mariner shook his head in disbelief. Before he could answer, Macbeth spoke up.
“Do you need ME to kill him? It’s not hard, I’ll show you.” Macbeth made a stabbing motion with his sword, which Hamlet struggled to replicate. Frustrated, Macbeth demonstrated again. “LIKE THIS!” He thrust his sword out and Hamlet copied. The men froze as they realized their fatal mistake. They collapsed, their swords embedded in each other’s chests. The Mariner sighed, and began to clean up the mess. “I can’t believe I have to find a new receptionist!” he groaned.
